


honey what you waitin' for

by Fives (janfives90)



Series: Heathers AU [1]
Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: College Theater AU, F/F, Heathers AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-12 22:49:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20572220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janfives90/pseuds/Fives
Summary: Out of all candidates for the worst day of Alyssa’s life, up to and including her father walking out, “congratulations you’re the lead of the musical but your love interest is being played by the crush you had a one night stand with” ranks remarkably high.She, ironically, is not going to survive her college theater group’s production of Heathers.





	1. sometimes i'm not who you want me to be

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics that are bracketed with # are sung by Emma; lyrics bracketed with = are sung by Alyssa, lyrics bracketed by <> are sung by another character, and lyrics bracketed by + are general music playing in the background

“Don’t be a dick,” Alyssa laughs as Emma pours thin blue liquid into a glass. “That stuff will kill her.”

“Thus, ending her hangover!” Emma grins and tosses the newly emptied bottle of drain cleaner into the sink. “I say we go with big blue.”

“You can’t just go-” Alyssa glances over her shoulder, in the direction of the couch where Kaylee’s almost passed out. “She’d never drink something that looks like that.”

Emma frowns. “You’re right.” She picks a different vessel out of the drying rack. “We’ll use a mug. That way, she’ll have no idea what she’s drinking.” She pours the drain cleaner from the glass into the mug and gets closer to Alyssa. “What? Are you chicken?”

Alyssa takes a step back, flustered. “You’re not funny.”

The smile falters, just a little, and Emma sets the mug down. “Okay. Okay, okay.” She steps forward again, running her hands down Alyssa’s arms. “I’m sorry.”

She leans forward to kiss Alyssa.

And she’s not sure she can.

* * *

** _-TWO MONTHS AGO-_ **

** **

* * *

Alyssa stands in front of the casting sheet, reading it over and over again, hoping she’s just misunderstanding what it says.

VERONICA SAWYER – ALYSSA GREENE

J.D. DEAN – EMMA NOLAN

Out of all candidates for the worst day of Alyssa’s life, up to and including her father walking out, “congratulations you’re the lead of the musical but your love interest is being played by the crush you had a one night stand with” ranks remarkably high.

She, ironically, is not going to survive her college theater group’s production of _Heathers._

Alyssa stands there, staring at the board, until she spots Shelby walking out of her history class. “Shelby!” she calls, her voice a low hiss.

Shelby walks over to her, far too casual for Alyssa’s panic. “Hey, you saw the casting? Playing McNamara is going to be interesting. And congrats, dude, you-”

“Emma Nolan is playing J.D.,” Alyssa interrupts.

Shelby blinks slowly. “Uhm. Yeah, I know. They changed a handful of things up like that. Martha is Martin and Greg is playing the role.”

“I-I saw,” Alyssa says.

(She didn’t.)

“I just. It caught me by surprise that _Emma_ would be playing J.D. if they decided to take that direction.”

Shelby snorts. “Why? They practically dress the same.” She shrugs and tilts her head to the side. “Emma’s really not that bad, you know. I know she’s snarky and I know she never stops wearing that leather jacket of hers, but she’s a reliable scene partner.”

“Right, you guys were Rosencrantz and Guildenstern in _Hamlet_ last year.”

“Benefits of doing both plays and musicals, Greene. You get to know people better.”

Alyssa shakes her head. “I don’t think I have the patience to do both, but thanks for the reminder.”

Shelby pats her on the shoulder. “Really though, you’ll be fine. If she mouths off at you, just remember that you’ll get to shoot her.”

Alyssa gives a nervous laugh. “Right.”

As Shelby walks away, Alyssa looks back up at the cast sheet.

Emma being _good_ in the role isn’t exactly what Alyssa’s problem is.

Though it certainly isn’t going to make things any easier.

* * *

“Alright, everybody, you have your schedules, your scripts, and your music. You can take time to look it all over during this next week, and then we’ll get started on rehearsals.” Trent Oliver, the advisor to the theater program and the director of the musicals, claps his hands together, startling a handful of seniors awake. “Everybody cool with that?”

“I think we’ve got it, Trent.”

Alyssa turns her head, just barely, to look at who responded.

Emma Nolan is standing at the back of the room, leaning against the wall, in her black t-shirt, black leather jacket, dark jeans, and black Converse. Alyssa catches herself wondering if she even owns any other clothes and what she’d look like in them, but she hastily looks away when Emma catches her staring and smirks.

“Great! I’ll see you all at our final schedule rundown later on in the week, and then we’ll get to rehearsing.”

Alyssa grabs her papers and bolts for the door, trying to get out of the room before the rest of her group.

She manages it, but she’s barely down the hallway out of the building when she hears her name being called.

She closes her eyes, wishes she had it in her to pretend she hadn’t heard it, and stops.

Emma gets in front of her and grins, waiting until the other students have left the hallway before saying, “What are the odds?”

“I’m sure they’re better than I would’ve assumed.” Alyssa clears her throat and tucks her papers into her bag. “It is what it is.”

“It sure is.” Emma slides her hands into the pockets of her jacket. “We should probably talk about what we’re supposed to _do_ in this show. Don’t you think?”

Alyssa gives a nervous laugh and waves her hand dismissively. “We’ll talk about the show in rehearsals.”

She starts to walk away, but stops again when Emma dryly says, “I really didn’t think you’d want our first conversation about DGW to be in front of other people, but okay, I guess.”

Alyssa sighs and turns back around. “What’s-” She freezes.

It’s not that she didn’t know what her role would entail.

It’s that when she saw Emma’s name up on that casting sheet, she was so distracted by everything else that she completely forgot about ‘Dead Girl Walking’.

“Oh,” Alyssa mumbles.

Emma smirks. “Bright side, we already have the position down.”

Alyssa takes a few rapid steps forward, putting her hand over Emma’s mouth and pushing her backwards until her back is against the nearby wall. “Do _not,”_ she hisses as she lowers her hand, clutching the shoulder of Emma’s jacket instead. “We _cannot_ be thinking about that while we’re trying to _act.”_

“Who said anything about thinking about it?” Emma asks innocently.

Alyssa groans softly. “You’re going to be the death of me.”

“I’m pretty sure _I’m_ the one who dies for _you_ in the script, but we’ll see if any changes have been made since the last time I read it.”

They stare at each other, a little too close together, Alyssa’s gaze betraying her by wandering down to Emma’s lips. “Look,” she says, her voice coming out a bit hoarse. “I _really_ don’t want to talk about it, okay? I’m not… I’m not the kind of girl who has one night stands.” She clears her throat. “I’m not… I don’t _regret it,_ but I’m a little embarrassed by it, and I would really rather not have it impact the show. Okay?”

She’s a bit surprised when Emma’s eyes soften. “Okay. We can do that.”

Alyssa lets out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding, and she releases her grip on Emma. “Thank you.”

“If that’s what you need.” Emma smooths out the wrinkle in her jacket and grins again. “But believe me, Alyssa, it’s not that easy to forget.”

Alyssa feels her face flush, but before she can reply, Emma turns and heads off down the hallway. As she goes, Alyssa hears her start to sing something to herself, quietly, just loud enough that Alyssa can hear it from where she’s standing.

_#Sometimes I’m not who you want me to be#_

_#God knows I try#_

_#We stumble and we fall#_

_#There’s no place I’d rather be-_

* * *

** _-SEVEN WEEKS AGO-_ **

* * *

_-than in your arms+_

_+Give me tough love+_

_+And a lesson to learn+_

_+Your tough love+_

_+Is what I deserve+_

_+Sweet tough love+_

_+You’re my pretty good luck charm+_

_+There’s no place I’d rather be than in your arms+_

The music is screaming from the speakers right next to her, but Alyssa hears it as if it’s muffled as she pulls Emma even closer to her.

She doesn’t know how long they’ve been kissing. It was a few songs ago at least, but they started to blur together the moment Emma got her hands on her and the Earth stopped spinning.

Alyssa pushes at Emma’s jacket, trying to get it off of her, and groans when Emma responds by pulling away, just a little.

“People can see,” Emma murmurs against Alyssa’s lips.

“Not much,” Alyssa mumbles. “I just want to feel more.”

Emma laughs softly. “My dorm is just in the next building?” she offers.

Alyssa kisses her again, her whole body hot, then whispers, “Why didn’t you say so?”


	2. looking for something you can't find

“_Once CHANDLER is satisfied that her enemy has been vanquished, she turns back to the PARTY GUESTS and beams with peppy enthusiasm._ _‘Okay, party people! Where’s the goddamn keg?!’ Everyone cheers. Party on! Blackout.”_ Alyssa turns the page in her script and murmurs, _“Music number six: Dead Girl Walki-”_

She tosses the script across her dorm room and groans, covering her face with her hands.

“Dude. What’s your problem?”

Alyssa turns her head, startled, and sees that the script has hit the floor at Kaylee’s feet as she stands in the doorway. “Oh. Sorry.”

Kaylee picks it up and sits on her own bed, propping her feet up on one of the posts. “What’s going on? I’ve never seen you get pissed at a script before.”

“I’m not pissed at the script.”

“Uh huh. You threw it across the room for fun, then?” Kaylee flips through Alyssa’s script absentmindedly.

“I was just…” Alyssa pauses, unsure of what to say.

“Your highlighting gets through ‘Piñata of Doom’ and then just stops. Are you uncomfortable with ‘De-”

“No,” Alyssa says quickly. “I’m fine. I’m just tired. Reading too long. I have homework to do; I’m gonna go to the library.”

Kaylee gives her a weird look. “…Okay.”

Alyssa stands up and takes her script back from Kaylee. “I’ll see you later.”

“I might stay at Shelby’s tonight,” Kaylee says casually, putting an arm behind her head. “I’m going to go over there to work on a paper, and I probably won’t feel like walking all the way back here.”

“Okay. Text me so I know you’re good?”

“Will do.”

Alyssa shoves her laptop and a few textbooks into her backpack. She glances down at her script, lying open on her sheets.

_VERONICA: By the way… (pats J.D.’s chest) You were my first._

She shoves the script unceremoniously into her bag.

“Stupid,” Alyssa mutters under her breath.

Kaylee, texting, doesn’t look away from her phone. “Huh?”

“Nothing! Just talking to myself.” Alyssa slings her bag over her shoulder and hurries out of the room.

* * *

“Alright, folks, we’re going to start rehearsals on Monday. If anybody has questions, now’s the best time to ask them.”

Alyssa glances around the room, waiting to see if anyone is going to ask Trent a question, but her stomach drops when she catches Emma staring at her.

She’s in the same spot as she was in the last meeting, leaning against the wall at the back, and she’s watching Alyssa with a curious look.

_‘What?’_ Alyssa mouths.

Emma shrugs and grins.

Alyssa shakes her head. _‘Stop it.’_

Emma winks at her and looks back at Trent.

Alyssa feels the urge to punch her. Probably.

She hopes it’s that and nothing that has anything to do with the twisty feeling in her stomach when her gaze wanders down to Emma’s jawline.

* * *

“Hey.”

Alyssa closes her eyes and stops, letting out a slow breath before turning to look at Emma. “Hi.”

Emma fidgets with the band of her watch, not looking at Alyssa. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but we do need to talk about… _this.”_

“Uhm.” Alyssa shifts her weight between her feet and clears her throat. “About what?”

“Lys. Come on. You were in that meeting, too, right? You can barely even look at me.” Emma sighs and runs a hand through her hair. “How are we supposed to do this if I make you that uncomfortable?”

Alyssa pauses. “It’s not that you make me uncomfortable.”

Emma raises an eyebrow. “It’s not?”

“That’s what you think?”

“Alyssa,” Emma says with a soft laugh. “You said you’re not the kind of girl who does one night stands, and that’s exactly what we did. I can’t even look at you without you getting upset. What am I supposed to think?”

Alyssa bites her lip. “Look, it’s not…” She gives a frustrated sigh. “I don’t know how to explain it. It’s… you’re not…” She shakes her head and mutters, “You’re a dick.”

Emma blinks. “What?”

“You’re a _dick._ Do you have to be such a narcissist? Not everything is about you, including my irritation with you.”

“I…” Emma hesitates, clearly confused. “What?”

Alyssa runs her hands over her face and groans. “I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.”

“Neither do I,” Emma says. “Do you want me to just drop out? I can tell Trent that something came up and I can’t do the show anymore. He’ll find someone else to do the role.”

“No. Dammit. It’s fine. I don’t need you to try to martyr yourself. I’ll get over it.”

“…Okay? Then… Then what do you want me to do?”

“Just…” Alyssa waves her hands dismissively. “Can you stop… _being you?_ For like five minutes? To let me adjust to what we’re doing here?”

“Uh.” Emma blinks. “I guess?”

Alyssa closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose, taking a few minutes to breathe and try to think. “Maybe we can… We can just be friends,” Alyssa says. She shrugs. “Like… I dunno, like Kaylee and Shelby.”

Emma pauses, her brow furrowing. “Like… Kaylee and Shelby?”

“Yeah. They’re friends, and even though they flirt a bit sometimes, it’s never awkward for them. By that logic, even though we’ve slept together, we should be fine now without things being awkward if we handle this like them.”

Emma pauses again. “I… Yeah. Sure. That… That makes sense.” She starts to say something else, then shakes her head.

“Do you think we can handle that?”

“I can. Can you?”

“I…” Alyssa clears her throat. “Yes. Absolutely.”

“Okay,” Emma says slowly. She smirks. “Even though I’m a narcissist?”

Alyssa winces. “Right. Uhm.”

“Do I get to ask a question?”

“Sure.”

“Why are you so nervous around me?”

Alyssa swallows. “I’m not nervous around you. I’m just mad and don’t like you.”

Emma takes a small step into her space, just enough to make Alyssa’s heartbeat quicken. “Are you sure?”

Alyssa swallows again. “Yes,” she whispers, trying not to look down at Emma’s lips.

Emma grins. “Okay then. We’ll have to see how that works out.” She abruptly turns on her heel and walks away.

Alyssa sets a hand over her heart, feeling it thump traitorously fast. “Dammit,” she mumbles. “God _dammit.”_

* * *

Alyssa paces back and forth in her room, muttering to herself, whispering lines and running a hand periodically through her hair as she stares down at her script.

She still hasn’t looked at ‘Dead Girl Walking’, but if no one knows that, no one can call her a coward for it.

“Okay, this needs to stop,” Kaylee says after watching her pace for at least twenty minutes. “You’re driving me and yourself insane.”

“I’m just studying,” Alyssa protests.

“Sure you are. You’re totally not having a meltdown every five minutes.” Kaylee stands up and pulls on a jacket. “Put the script down, Greene. We’re going out.”

Alyssa stares at her. “Out?”

“Yeah, like the outdoors. Outside the dorm. That place you go to in between here and your classes. I know you don’t see it very much, but it’s pretty nice if you give it a chance.”

“Shut up,” Alyssa grumbles.

Kaylee takes the script out of her hands and tosses it onto her bed. “Put real clothes on.”

Alyssa glances down at her sweatpants and frowns.

“And maybe run a comb through your hair instead of your hand. We’re going to a club.”

“Kaylee, come on, I need to get this done.”

“Yeah, and you need a break, too. Get your shit together.”

Alyssa sighs. “You’re not going to let it go, are you?”

Kaylee grins at her. “Now you’re catching on.”

* * *

“What kind of club is this?” Alyssa asks with a frown as she looks at the sign above the door of the small building.

**THE BROADWAY**

“It’s…” Kaylee hesitates before shrugging. “Well, it has a pretty unique kind of jukebox, I’ll give it that.”

Alyssa laughs as she follows Kaylee through the front door. “What does that mean?”

_#You’re looking for something you can’t find#_

_#If you give it up, you’ll lose your mind#_

_#There’s always something in your way#_

_#What can you-_

Alyssa stops in her tracks, the familiar voice freezing her in place.

She stares, jaw dropped, as Emma stands on a stage against the far wall of the room, laughing as she sings a boy band song. She’s wearing her black Converse like usual, but instead of her dark blue jeans, black t-shirt, and leather jacket, she’s in black jeans, a white t-shirt, and a red flannel.

“What… Why is…”

“Oh, yeah,” Kaylee says, unbothered and unsurprised. “I forgot it was her shift.”

_#I’m freaking out about what’s ahead#_


	3. we'll make it i swear

“Uhm,” Alyssa stammers, still staring at the stage. “What is this place?”

“This is The Broadway,” Kaylee says, taking a seat at one of the small tables surrounding a dance floor full of people. “It’s sort of a club, sort of a bar, you can get drinks and food that’s bad for you and the audience picks the music.”

“The audience?”

“Mhm.” Kaylee points at a series of screens around the dance floor before tapping one that’s on their table. “After every song two random categories or genres come up, and the crowd votes for one, and then they get a handful of songs to pick from that whoever’s on stage has to sing. It’s kind of like karaoke but the person performing can actually sing and they don’t get to pick the song.” She pauses. “So… nothing at all like karaoke.”

“…Got it.” Alyssa watches as two rectangles appear on the screen at their table: ROCK | SHOWTUNES

Kaylee casually taps on SHOWTUNES and shrugs. “The crowd will probably pick rock, but I like to try to screw them over as often as I can.”

“Them?” Alyssa looks back up at the stage and watches as Shelby walks onto the stage, giving Emma a high-five before she takes the other microphone that’s set up. “Oh.”

The screen highlights ROCK, then a list of five songs appears. Kaylee taps on one without really looking, then passes Alyssa one of the menus propped behind the ketchup. “Are you hungry?”

“Yeah,” Alyssa mutters.

“Lys?”

“Hm?” She looks back down at Kaylee. “What?”

“Do you want food or just alcohol?”

Alyssa swallows, feeling queasy. “I’m not sure yet.”

Music starts blasting around them, and Kaylee laughs. “Oh, they both like this one. It should be entertaining.”

Alyssa sees Emma wink at Shelby, who laughs, and then Emma twirls her microphone in her hand before starting them off.

_#Tommy used to work on the docks#_

_#Union’s been on strike#_

_#He’s down on his luck#_

_#It’s tough, so tough#_

Shelby gets a rather purposeful grip on her microphone that makes Kaylee laugh sharply, then she picks up the next verse.

_<Gina works the diner all day>_

_<Working for her man>_

_<She brings home her pay>_

_<For love, for love>_

Alyssa fidgets with her menu as she looks down at it, not really seeing the words. “I, uh. I didn’t realize they were a thing.”

“Wait. What?” Kaylee laughs, a sound that only trails off when Alyssa glances up at her and Kaylee realizes she’s serious. “Wait, Jesus, you think _Emma and Shelby_ have a thing?” She giggles and shakes her head. “Lys, no, they’re just friends. Dumbass friends at that. They’re on that stage together because they _work_ here. A couple of people who aren’t employed have sung before, but for the most part The Broadway keeps a set group of performers on the payroll that are regulars with set shifts. Sometimes they perform individually, sometimes they perform together. There are different songs queued into the database depending on the situation.”

“Oh.” Alyssa rubs the back of her neck. “Right. That… That makes sense.”

Kaylee gives her an odd look. “What made you get there, anyway? They’re just goofing around.”

“Uhm.”

It definitely is not the jealousy that spun through her when Emma winked at Shelby, and if it is, she’s sure not saying it.

“I don’t know. Weird vibe. Probably just still getting used to this whole setup.”

_<#Whoa, we’re half-way there#>_

_<#Whoa, livin’ on a prayer#>_

_<#Take my head and we’ll make I swear#>_

Alyssa stares back down at her menu. “I really need alcohol.”

Kaylee blinks and mutters, “Yeah, I’m really thinking you do.”

* * *

When the song ends, Kaylee wanders off, leaving the other seat at Alyssa’s table open while she drinks a margarita.

She almost chokes when Emma nonchalantly plops down in the empty chair and steals one of her fries.

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” Emma says. “Kaylee finally decided to bring you along? I wasn’t sure she’d ever work up the nerve to do it.”

“Why would this be an issue for Kaylee?” Alyssa asks with a frown.

Emma steals another French fry and uses it to gesture towards the stage before eating it.

Alyssa turns her head, unsure of what she’s supposed to be looking at, but she freezes when she notices Shelby leaning against the stage, Kaylee leaning against her, and the two of them casually making out.

“What in the fuck?”

“Yeah.” Emma shrugs. “I kind of figured you didn’t know when you said we should be friends just like they are.”

Alyssa blushes. “Oh, God.” She throws a fry at Emma, who catches it in her mouth like she was expecting it. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Not my place. It wouldn’t be regardless, but Kaylee’s your roommate, Lys. She and Shelby haven’t been super open about it outside of this place, and it wasn’t mine to tell.”

Alyssa takes a sip of her drink. “You have a fair point,” she says slowly. “You’re… That would make you a pretty good friend, Nolan.”

“If not for the fact that I’m a narcissist?”

Alyssa groans and covers her face with her hands. “How long is it going to take for me to live that down?”

“Depends. How long do I get to have you in my life?”

She freezes, her mind betraying her by bouncing back almost eight weeks, to the first round of the night and Emma whispering _‘how long do I get to have you’_ in her ear.

When she looks up, she’s surprised that, despite the cocky grin on Emma’s face, her hazel eyes are soft.

“I mean,” Alyssa murmurs. “We’ve gotta live with each other at least until the end of the musical, right?”

Emma gives a low, sarcastic whistle. “Two whole months? Man, Greene, I could keep that above your head for _ages _with that kind of time.”

“Oh shut up.”

“What are you gonna do?” Emma leans forward a bit, grinning. “Make me?”

Alyssa swallows, her gaze briefly drifting down to Emma’s lips. “You wish, Nolan.”

“Maybe I do.” Emma sets her arm down on the table, lightly running her finger across the back of Alyssa’s hand. “What about it?”

Alyssa watches the motion, lost in it, her breathing matching the pace until her brain tries to convince her to just drag Emma to the nearest bathroom and-

“I need to go do homework,” Alyssa says abruptly, standing up and pulling her hand away from Emma’s touch.

Emma blinks up at her, confused. “Didn’t you just get here?”

“Uh… I… uh… I just wanted one drink.”

They both look at the barely-touched margarita on the table.

“Alyssa,” Emma starts, hesitation in her voice.

“Gotta go,” Alyssa interrupts. “Really busy. Tell Kaylee I left. See you later.”

She turns and walks away, ignoring Emma when she calls her name behind her.

* * *

_<Then step into my candy store!>_

_<It’s my candy store. It’s my candy…>_

_<It’s my candy store. It’s my candy…>_

_<It’s my candy store. It’s my candy sto…>_

_<…ore!>_

Alyssa stands and watches as Kaylee, Shelby, and Carrie walk away, leaving her standing alone. She turns and starts to walk away, passing Emma as she leans against a wall, reading a book.

“You shouldn’t have bowed down to the Swatch-dogs and Diet-Cokeheads. They’re gonna crush that boy.”

Alyssa pauses, turning to Emma, who hasn’t looked up from her book. “I’m sorry, what?”

“You’ve clearly got a soul. You just need to work harder keeping it clean. We are all born marked for evil.” Emma shuts her book and starts to walk away.

“Okay, don’t quote Baudelaire at me and walk away,” Alyssa says, annoyed. “Excuse me? Didn’t catch your name.”

Emma smirks. “I didn’t throw it.”

She continues walking, and Alyssa smiles, intrigued despite her irritation.

She’s irritated outside of character when she realizes that the smile isn’t even an act.

* * *

“Okay, people, that’s it for today,” Trent says, clapping his hands together. “We’ll cover the parts that transition directly to ‘Fight for Me’ next session. If I could have Emma and Alyssa stick around, that would be great, but everybody else is dismissed.”

Alyssa glances at Emma, whose expression is emotionless as they linger around Trent until everyone else has left.

“What’s going on?” Alyssa asks.

“You might have noticed that your schedules are a bit longer than everyone else?” Trent prompts. When he gets blank looks in response, he sighs. “Right. Well, here’s how it goes. We’re rehearsing everything in order for the first times through so that we have a flow in mind, but there’s going to be one scene and song that doesn’t work that way. This is what other directors have done in the past to make sure that the scene partners are fully comfortable with each other by the time we get to the actual performance.”

Alyssa knows what he’s going to say before he actually says it.

“So we’re going to do a readthrough of ‘Dead Girl Walking’, and then after the next rehearsal we’re going to start working on the actual choreography for it.”

Alyssa swallows. “Oh.”

Emma just shrugs. “Okay.” She glances at Alyssa out of the corner of her eye. “If it’s okay with you.”

“Y-Yeah. Obviously. Definitely. Whatever will make the scene right.”

“You’re sure?” Trent asks.

Alyssa nods and gives what she hopes is a believable grin. “Absolutely.”

“Good.” Trent flips to the proper page of his script. “For the purposes of this initial run through, let’s just skip to J.D.’s first line? The beginning part is just you singing alone, Alyssa, so that will be something that we do work on, but it’s not part of this specific aspect that we’re addressing.”

“Right. Perfect.”

Trent hops off the stage to give them space as Emma and Alyssa flip through their scripts.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Emma asks, soft enough that only Alyssa can hear her.

“I’m fine,” Alyssa replies. “Let’s just do this. We need to eventually, right?”

Emma laughs quietly. “That’s true.”

Alyssa clears her throat and waits.

Emma gives her an encouraging smile before she looks down at the page. “’_Veronica? What are you doing in my room?’”_

She can’t sing the words, not yet, so she speaks them instead. _“’Had to see you, hope I didn’t wake you. See, I decided I must-”_ Her voice cracks a little. _“-ride you till I break you.”_

Emma snickers, and Alyssa barely resists the temptation to kick her.

_“’Cause Heather says I gots to go. You’re my last meal on death row. Shut your mouth, rip off my clothes and take me.’”_

She feels a satisfied jolt when the smug look on Emma’s face fades as she suddenly pales slightly.

_“’Come on! Tonight I’m-’”_ Alyssa stops suddenly. She stares down at the page, her hands trembling.

“Lys,” Emma murmurs.

“I-I…”

“Alyssa?” Trent gets out of his seat and walks towards the stage, looking concerned. “Are you okay?”

Alyssa looks up at Emma, who’s just watching her, calm and confident and steady. “I-I… I don’t know if…”

“Alyssa,” Emma whispers, taking a small step towards her and reaching out to rest a hand on her elbow. “It’s just a scene. Why are you so afraid of it?”

She stares at Emma, eyes wide and a little panicked. “Sorry, Trent, I’m just not feeling great right now,” Alyssa says, her voice strained. “I’ll see you on Thursday.” She turns and bolts for the door, almost forgetting to grab her bag on the way, hoping beyond anything that for once Emma doesn’t follow her.


	4. if you would fight for me

They’re still working on the choreography for the slow-mo fight, so the positioning is a bit awkward as Alyssa walks between Emma, Nick, and Kevin.

_=Hey, miss no-name kid=_

_=So who might you be?=_

_=And could you fight for me?=_

Alyssa steps directly behind Emma, who’s leaning back, trying to stay motionless.

_=And hey=_

_=Could you face the crowd?=_

She tries to ignore the quiet way Emma’s breathing hikes when she gently sets her fingers under Emma’s jaw and turns her head towards the currently-empty seats of the theater.

_=Could you be seen with me=_

She turns Emma’s head further until they’re making eye contact, and Alyssa feels her heartbeat in her ears when Emma lets herself smirk just a little.

_=And still act proud?=_

_=Hey=_

_=Would you hold my hand?=_

_=And could you carry me=_

_=Through no-man’s-land?=_

_=It’s fine if you don’t agree=_

_=But I would fight for you…=_

_=If you would fight for me=_

* * *

“I’m going to let you two work through a reading by yourselves, and we’ll start choreo next rehearsal,” Trent says, giving Alyssa a wary look. “I think maybe it would be good for you to deal with it without any outside pressure. Okay?”

Alyssa nods, and Emma murmurs, “Okay.”

Once he walks out, Emma sighs and sits down on the edge of the stage. She flips through her script for a bit before setting it aside and shaking her head. “What do you need, Lys?”

“What do you mean?” Alyssa asks, pausing in the process of turning to the proper page.

“What do you need to be able to do this? Because I’m running out of ideas here.”

Alyssa sits down next to her. “I just wasn’t feeling good the other day.”

Emma scoffs. “Sure. No offense, Alyssa, but that’s bullshit and we both know it.”

“What do you expect me to say, Emma?”

“I don’t know, _something?_ Every fucking time I try to talk to you, you leave.”

Alyssa shakes her head and turns to start to stand up. “I don’t have time for this.”

“Yeah,” Emma says with a sarcastic laugh. “Kind of like that.”

She freezes, a spark of guilt rushing through her. “Emma,” she whispers. “I told you. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“And I was fine with that,” Emma replies, her voice gentle. “But it’s clearly affecting the show and our scenes, Alyssa. I think we _need_ to talk about whatever it is that has you so anxi-”

“Because you were my first,” Alyssa snaps, spinning back around to face her.

Emma stares at her.

“I-I… uh… I didn’t…”

“I was…” Emma fidgets with her watch. “I was your…”

Alyssa takes in a slow breath and whispers, “Yes, okay? Yes.”

“But…” Emma swallows. “Why didn’t you tell me that night?”

“I didn’t want to risk…” Alyssa rubs the back of her neck. “Risk you not wanting me anymore.”

Emma frowns, visibly confused. “Why would that make me not want you?”

“I…” Alyssa shrugs. “I almost slept with someone sophomore year. But when she found out I hadn’t before, she accused me of not actually being gay, just being a straight girl looking to experiment.”

“Why would someone do that?” Emma asks, her voice soft. “That’s not for them to decide for you.”

“Yeah, well… I just… I guess I was just worried that you’d do the same.” Alyssa gives an anxious grin. “God, Em, I _really_ wanted you.”

“Alyssa,” Emma murmurs. “I wouldn’t have done that.”

“I think I know that now. It’s just not something I could do _then,_ y’know?”

Emma carefully shifts a bit closer to her. “I’m sorry.”

Alyssa’s brow furrows. “What for?”

“If I had known, I wouldn’t have… What we did that night was… It was a lot for a first time.” Emma gently brushes her knuckles against the back of Alyssa’s hand. “I handled it like a tipsy one night stand for fun. I could’ve made it more for you.”

Alyssa swallows and gives a nervous laugh. “Four rounds isn’t enough?”

Her laugh trails off as she sees the genuine concern in Emma’s eyes. “That’s not the kind of more I mean, Alyssa. It could’ve been better for you.”

“Emma.” Alyssa rests her hand on Emma’s knee. “How bad do you think I thought it was?”

“You didn’t call me and barely spoke to me after, and you don’t even like looking at me if we’re not actively rehearsing. Hell, you can barely even rehearse with me sometimes. I mean… I sort of…” Emma shrugs and looks away.

“Em, I don’t know how you didn’t notice, but I enjoyed everything we did. A whole lot.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. If anything, that’s just making this harder. It’s really difficult to look at you when I know what it’s like to be in bed with you.”

Both of Emma’s eyebrows rise. “Oh?”

Alyssa pushes her a little. “Don’t sound so smug about it, Nolan,” she grumbles.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Emma replies with a grin.

Alyssa stares at her through narrowed eyes for a long moment.

Then she grabs the collar of Emma’s jacket, pushes her back until she’s lying on the stage, and kisses her.

Emma makes a faint noise of surprise, then pulls Alyssa on top of her, one of her legs in between Alyssa’s. She kisses Alyssa back, her hands wandering anywhere on Alyssa’s body she can figure out how to touch.

Alyssa tries to keep her own hands focused by gripping them both in Emma’s hair, holding her in place to kiss her as hard as she can manage. Emma’s hands find their way up the back of her sweater, and she whines, louder than she wants to.

She moves her hands and starts to try to push Emma’s jacket off of her shouders, and it’s then that her brain finally catches up to what she’s doing.

“Wait,” she mumbles. “Oh, God, wait.”

Emma breaks the kiss immediately, her hands dropping down to rest on the stage on either side of her head as she tries to catch her breath. “What’s wrong?”

“I-I can’t… I can’t do this.”

Emma frowns. “Huh?”

“I can barely look at you _now_ without thinking about wanting you in bed, Emma, if I let us do this again I won’t survive this show.”

“I don’t think denying yourself what you want is going to help you, Lys.”

Alyssa sets her hand on Emma’s cheek and kisses her softly. “I need this. Please. I know it’s not fair to you. But for now, this is what I need.”

Emma turns her head to press a kiss to Alyssa’s palm, and Alyssa feels her heart melt. “If I thought that you deciding what’s best and healthiest for yourself wasn’t fair to me, I’d be a dick, Alyssa. I’ll survive. Just let me know if you decide you want something different. I’ll be here.”

She reaches up, pushing a stray curl behind Alyssa’s ear. “This certainly doesn’t solve our problem,” she murmurs. “Why are you so afraid?”

“I-I…” Alyssa leans down, hiding her face against Emma’s shoulder. “I’ve never been a lead before. Even through grade school and high school, I never got that main role. And here I am, in my senior year of college, I finally have that role, and I have to do a sex scene on stage with the woman I had my first time with.”

Emma winces. “Ah.”

Alyssa turns her head, pressing a kiss to Emma’s cheek. “A woman I… Well, the whole thing is just pretty complicated, okay? My head’s a mess.”

Emma rests a gentle hand on her back, rubbing her thumb up and down her spine. “That’s okay, you know. You’re allowed to have a bit of a mess in your head. Just… That’s what _I’m_ here for. Don’t you see? We’re _scene partners._ You’re not doing this alone, Lys. I have your back. I’m not going to let you get hurt if I have any say in it.”

Alyssa lets out a shaky breath. “Thank you.”

“Even if you _do_ think I’m a narcissist.”

Alyssa stands, leaning as much weight and poking as many painful elbows and knees into Emma as she can manage to as she moves.

“Ow,” Emma says, sounding completely unbothered. She puts her hands behind her head and grins up at Alyssa. “Am I going to see you at the club again?”

“…Maybe. If only to hopefully see you embarrass yourself.”

“Please. They haven’t embarrassed me yet.” Emma winks. “Maybe I’ll get you to duet with me. We can work out some of this performance anxiety.”

Alyssa feels her cheeks heat up. “I hate you.”

Emma gives her a lazy grin. “No. You really don’t.”


	5. hold you close in the night

“So at ‘get on all fours’ I’m supposed to push you onto your knees,” Alyssa mutters, biting her lip as she frowns down at her script.

“All you have to do is ask,” Emma mumbles.

Alyssa doesn’t even look up. “I’m getting duct tape. I’m going to put it over your mouth and make you do the whole show without speaking.”

“I didn’t think you’d be into that, but if you-”

Alyssa reaches up and puts her hand over Emma’s mouth. “I _know_ that you’re just trying to get a rise out of me, Nolan,” she growls. “I _know_ you’re just trying to distract me. But one more word, and I promise I’ll make you regret it.”

Emma gently takes her by the wrist and lowers her hand. “Oh, it’s a _promise?_ Well, now it’s just tempting.”

“I-” Alyssa pauses, glancing down at her hand, at Emma gently rubbing a slow, smooth pattern against her skin with her thumb. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?” she asks with a smirk.

Alyssa groans. “I should never have told you that I still want to have sex with you.”

“Probably not.” Emma ducks her head a little, getting herself into eye contact. “If you really want me to stop, Alyssa, I will,” she says softly. “You know I will. Don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Alyssa sighs. “I know you will.” She gives Emma’s hand a small squeeze. “But I think we both know I’m never gonna be able to bring myself to ask for that.”

Emma grins. “Hey, you’re the one who said it.”

Alyssa scoffs and grumpily shoves at Emma’s shoulder.

“Hey, guys?”

They each take steps away from each other before looking over at the other side of the stage, where Shelby is staring curiously at them.

“Trent wants to give ‘Fight for Me’ another run to see how the adjusted choreo looks.”

“Right,” Alyssa says, flipping through her script. “Uh huh. Right.”

“Yeah, absolutely.” Emma smooths out a wrinkle that doesn’t exist in her shirt. “Sure.”

“You guys are weird,” Shelby mutters.

Alyssa sighs. “Oh, you have no idea.”

“What?”

“Nothing!”

* * *

“I’m glad you decided to come along again,” Kaylee says as she walks with Alyssa towards The Broadway.

“It’s not a problem. It seemed like a pretty nice place the last time we were here, even though I had to leave early.”

“Yeah.” Kaylee slides her hands into her pockets. “Uhm. I wanted to thank you, by the way.”

Alyssa frowns. “What for?”

“Not… Not making a big deal out of what you probably saw while you were there.”

There’s a nervous look on Kaylee’s face, and Alyssa gently bumps their shoulders together. “Hey,” she says softly. “You have nothing to thank me for. It’s your business, and if you want to talk to me about it, you can. If you don’t, that’s fine, too. I get it. Believe me, I definitely get it.”

“I’m glad you do. I think things would get awkward if you didn’t.”

Alyssa laughs. “Yeah, they probably would.” She puts an arm around Kaylee’s shoulders and squeezes her. “Luckily, I’m not an idiot.”

Kaylee snorts. “Well, I wouldn’t go _that_ far.”

* * *

Emma is leaning against the bar counter, chatting with a blonde woman behind it, when Alyssa approaches her.

“Oh, hey,” Emma greets with a grin. “You came back.”

“I came back,” Alyssa repeats, leaning next to her.

“This is Angie,” Emma says, pointing at the woman. “She helps run this place.”

The blonde woman beams as she shakes Alyssa’s hand. “You must be Alyssa.”

Alyssa blinks. “Uh…” She glances at Emma, who’s blushing as she gives Angie a horrified look. “Yes?”

“Emma’s told me about you.” Angie gives Emma a shit-eating grin. “Something wrong?”

“N-No.” Emma rubs the back of her neck and clears her throat. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

“Not really.”

“Great,” Emma says dryly. She takes Alyssa by the hand and pulls her towards the tables. “Why don’t we sit down?”

Alyssa laughs as Emma leads her away. “Do you talk about me a lot, Nolan?”

“Shut up.” Emma pulls out a chair for Alyssa to sit in. “I’m not going to-”

“Oh, no, I don’t think so,” Kaylee says, putting her hands on Alyssa’s shoulders before she can sit down.

Shelby grabs Emma’s shoulders. “You guys have something else to do.”

Emma frowns, confused. “We do?”

“Yep!” Kaylee grins and turns Alyssa towards the stage. “You’re gonna sing!”

Alyssa glares at Emma. “This isn’t funny.”

Her stomach sinks when she sees the confusion on Emma’s face. “I didn’t do anything!”

“Aw, you were talking about this already? How cute.” Shelby steers Emma forward. “You guys should be starting to get used to singing together already. You’ll be fine.”

“Why is this happening?” Emma asks, her voice flat.

“It’s fun,” Shelby says simply.

“Sure,” Alyssa replies with a sigh. “Fun.”

* * *

Alyssa stares down at the microphone in her hand, nerves flowing through her.

“Hey,” Emma whispers, gently gripping her shoulder. “It’s not going to be that bad.”

“I can handle singing to an audience. Obviously. And I’m getting used to singing with you. I just prefer to know _what_ I’ll be singing before I get there.”

Emma glances out at the crowd, grinning. “Eh, eventually you get used to the surprise. It can be fun.”

Alyssa snorts. “Sure it can. I don’t like surprises.”

“Don’t think of it as a surprise, then. Think of it as… studying. Testing your skills for the play.”

“Uh huh.” Alyssa gives Emma a thin smile. “You’re really trying to sell this, Em.”

Emma shrugs. “I’m doing my best, yeah.”

The music starts up, and Alyssa glances at the monitors in front of them to read the song title. “Oh, you have to be kidding me.”

Emma takes a small step closer to her and laughs. “Trust me. There’s been worse. There’s been far, _far_ worse.”

“What-”

Emma grabs her hand and tugs her forward, just a little too far into each other’s space.

_#Lady, can I get you closer?#_

_#Lady, would you come on over?#_

_#I, think I’m ready this time#_

_#I think I like your hands in mine#_

Alyssa playfully pushes her away, trying not to get lost in the cocky glint in her eyes.

_=Lady, I got a question for you=_

_=Lady, think that you’re the answer=_

_=Lady, gonna see me later=_

_=Hey, wanna go to dinner?=_

Emma starts to circle her, smirking, and Alyssa turns to maintain eye contact.

_=#I wanna take you out#=_

_=#I wanna make you shake#=_

_=#I wanna drive you out#=_

_=#But I probably shouldn’t#=_

_=#Know your name, when I finally get to#=_

_=#Be the one who gets to#=_

_=#Hold you close in the night in the dark be your light#=_

Emma pulls her in again and Alyssa laughs through the next line, almost forgetting what they were even doing.

It’s not as bad as she thought.

* * *

“Wow, Alyssa, I didn’t know you had it in you,” Emma says as she leans back in her chair.

Alyssa frowns as she drinks from her glass. “Had what in me?”

“Having some fun for once.”

Alyssa snorts. “You’re a dick.”

Emma laughs and shrugs. “I’m okay with that.”

Kaylee and Shelby join them, sliding extra chairs up to their table. “So,” Kaylee says, leaning on her hand and giving Alyssa a knowing grin. “We have some questions.”

“…Okay?”

“It’s really just one question,” Shelby says. “What the fuck is with the tension between you two?”

Emma chokes on her drink. “What?”

“Like, come on.” Kaylee leans forward a bit. “Everything’s just a _liiiiiittttllllleee_ bit awkward between the two of you during rehearsals, and seeing you on that stage? Good God. I’ve had sex that had less energy than that.” She glances at Shelby. “I’m not talking about you.”

“I was gonna say,” Shelby mutters.

Alyssa gives an awkward laugh. “There’s no tension.”

“Greene wishes there was tension,” Emma jokes, laughing a bit more believably.

“We have to have some chemistry in order to make this show work, right?” Alyssa grins and leans back in her seat.

Shelby and Kaylee just stare at them, unimpressed.

Alyssa looks at Emma, who shrugs and takes another sip of her whiskey.

“We’ve had sex,” Alyssa blurts out.

Emma chokes on her drink again.


	6. been in love and lost my senses

“You don’t get to just say that and then walk away.”

“Watch me,” Alyssa says, walking back towards her dorm.

“Alyssa.” Kaylee sounds frustrated as she follows her. “Come on. You’ve been weird ever since this musical started, and now you’re telling me that you’ve _slept_ with the woman playing your love interest?”

“Don’t say it like that.”

Kaylee blinks. “Like what?”

Alyssa runs a hand through her hair and swallows. “It was just sex, okay? It wasn’t… Don’t call it _sleeping with_ her. It was _sex_.”

“…Sure.” Kaylee slides her hands into her pockets as she falls into step beside Alyssa. “What exactly did it… entail?”

“What?” Alyssa asks, her voice squeaking.

“Well, like, how did you end up sleeping with _Nolan?”_

“Oh.” Alyssa shrugs, pointedly avoiding eye contact. “Uhm. You know that theater party at the end of last semester?”

“Yeah.”

“We were a little tipsy and we were hanging out and honestly I’m not _completely_ sure how it happened but we ended up making out and getting pretty handsy. So we went back to her room and had sex.” She clears her throat and lowers her voice before she adds in a mumble, “Four times.”

Kaylee stops, grabbing Alyssa’s arm to make her stop as well. “I’m sorry, _what_ was that?”

Alyssa blushes. “Four times.”

“As in you got off four times or you had sex and then took a break and then had more sex and then took a break and then had _more_ sex and then took _another_ break and-”

_“The latter, okay?”_

“Mhm. So you were probably there all night.”

“Yeah, I guess. Three of the times were through the night and then the last was in the morning before I left.” Alyssa stares down at the sidewalk. “Why does any of this matter?”

Kaylee gives a tiny snort. “Because you’re delusional. I’m not sure how you’re defining the different between _having sex with_ someone and _sleeping with_ someone, but, honey, you slept with her. You slept with Emma. Deal with it.”

“It was just a one night stand,” Alyssa protests.

“If it was _‘just’_ anything, you wouldn’t still be looking at her like you want to drag her into the nearest mostly-private location and pull her clothes off.”

“You’re being ridiculous. It’s not a big deal.”

“Sure,” Kaylee says dryly. “You can go ahead and tell yourself that, Lys.” She pats Alyssa on the shoulder and keeps walking. “Maybe if you keep staying it you’ll eventually be convincing.”

* * *

Alyssa leans on the convenience store counter across from Emma, trying not to laugh as she drinks from a Slurpee until she grimaces from the brain freeze. She lowers the Slurpee, keeping it in her hand as she watches Alyssa.

_#Freeze your brain#_

_#Suck on that straw#_

_#Get lost in the pain#_

_#Happiness comes#_

_#When everything numbs#_

_#It’s my cocaine#_

_#Freeze your brain#_

_#Freeze your brain#_

Emma tilts the Slurpee towards Alyssa, shaking it a little, smirking and raising an eyebrow. “Care for a hit?”

Alyssa scoffs. “Does your mommy know you eat all this crap?”

Emma shrugs. “Not anymore.”

* * *

They’re kneeling across from each other, alone aside from Trent, who’s doing his best to give them as much space as he thinks they need while also doing his job from his seat in the audience.

Alyssa’s voice almost cracks as she gets towards the end of her verse, because she knows. She knows what’s coming next.

_=So the world’s unfair=_

_=Keep it locked out there=_

_=In here it’s beautiful=_

_=Let’s make this beautiful=_

Emma grins at her, a cocky look that Alyssa has seen before and that sends heat she doesn’t need right now spiraling through her. _“’That works for me.’”_

They pull each other into a stage kiss that’s a little too real, and Alyssa tries to remember to push Emma back a bit so she can straddle her.

When they’re in costume, she’ll have to take Emma’s shirt off.

When they’re in costume, Emma will have to yank her shirt open.

She’s going to worry about that part later, after she figures out how to deal with the fact that she’s sitting on Emma’s hips and kissing her and her brain is a little scrambled.

_=Yeah! Full steam ahead!=_

_=Take this dead girl walkin!=_

_#How’d you find my address?#_

_=Let’s break the bed!=_

_=Rock this dead girl walkin!=_

_#I think you tore my mattress#_

Alyssa puts a finger over Emma’s lips.

_=No sleep tonight for you=_

_=Better chug that Mountain Dew=_

Emma puts a bit of fear into the words, _“’Okay, okay.’”_

_=Get your ass in gear=_

_=Make this whole town disappear=_

The fear changes to excitement. _“’Okay! Okay!’”_

Emma gently sets her hand on the inside of Alyssa’s thigh right when the choreography says Alyssa is supposed to stage slap her.

It catches her so off guard that she accidentally slaps her for real.

“Ow,” Emma says mildly.

_“Alyssa,”_ Trent scolds.

“I’m so sorry,” Alyssa stammers. She sets her hand on Emma’s jaw and turns her head to get a better look at the red mark on her cheek. “You took me by surprise and I forgot what I was doing.”

“Note to self. Don’t surprise Alyssa or she slaps you.” Emma moves her hands so that they’re both resting on the stage at her side. “I’m sorry. Instinct said that was the right call. I mean… We can’t exactly… Given the sort of… _physical_ movement in the scene, I’m not really sure how that’s supposed to work between two women unless my hand is…” She clears her throat. “You know what? Never mind.”

Alyssa blinks at her, watching the blush spread all the way up to Emma’s ears. She looks over at Trent, who doesn’t seem to have quite understood what Emma is saying. “As much as it pains me, she’s right.”

“Why would- oh.” Trent’s eyes widen. _“Oh._ Right, right. That’s a good call. If you’re comfortable with it, you should do it.”

Emma swallows. “Okay.”

“Sure,” Alyssa says, while her brain says _no._

It’s a whole three minutes later before she realizes that she’s still sitting on top of Emma.

* * *

It’s Shelby’s turn on stage, and Alyssa’s just sitting at a table when Emma grabs her hand and pulls her towards the dance floor.

“What are you doing?” she asks with a laugh.

“You’re not having fun,” Emma replies. “You’re supposed to be having fun, Greene, it’s a club. As an employee, it’s my job to make sure you have fun.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not what your job is.”

Emma pulls her in and takes both of her hands, grinning. “Who says?”

_<I’ve been in love and lost my senses>_

_<Spinning through the town>_

“Says me.”

“Yeah, and you’re _always_ right, huh?”

Alyssa interlocks her hands behind Emma’s neck and rests their foreheads together. “You’re such a jerk.”

Emma laughs softly, a sound that vibrates through Alyssa’s body. “I know.”

_<I wanna dance with somebody>_

_<I wanna feel the heat with somebody>_

_<I wanna dance with somebody>_

_<With somebody who loves me>_

* * *

Barely two hours after she gets home from The Broadway, Alyssa wakes in an uncomfortable sweat, kicking her sheets off of herself as she gets out of her bed.

Kaylee went to stay at Shelby’s, and she’s never been more grateful to be alone as she throws open her window and turns her fan on.

Her whole body is hot, itchy, twitching from the whispers of a dream version of Emma.

Alyssa drops back into bed, her breathing unsteady as she tries to forget the feelings her mind invented.

She can’t, and nothing is helping her cool off.

A part of her wants to get up and ignore the fact that it’s two in the morning and just get in the shower and put it as cold as it can go.

Instead, she sighs softly, closes her eyes, and lets her own hands continue the path the imaginary Emma had started.


	7. your kisses lift me higher

“You’re not looking at me again. It’s weird.”

Alyssa focuses on her cocktail. “What?”

Emma leans forward and frowns as she eats a chip. “We’ve been fine, but now you’ve been having trouble looking me in the eye. What’s wrong?”

She takes a long pause.

She’s sure not telling Emma what she did to the thought of her.

“Nothing. Maybe I just don’t feel like looking at your stupid smirky face today.”

Emma grins and reaches across the table, setting her hand on top of Alyssa’s. “Aw. Come on. You like looking at my stupid smirky face.”

Alyssa looks down at her hand, watching Emma’s fingers gently move against her. Her mind starts to wander, and she shakes her head in an attempt to shoo the thoughts away. “Uhm. No I don’t.”

“Wow. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from that retort.” Emma keeps playing with Alyssa’s hand. “I think you should sing.”

“What?”

“Sometimes people sing without being employees. You should sing something.”

Alyssa glances up at the stage. “I don’t know. It might not be a great idea.”

“Why not? It would be fun.”

“You’re sure?” Alyssa asks, biting her lip.

Emma smirks. “Sure that I want to hear you sing something? Yeah, I am.”

Alyssa gives a slow smile. “Well. Okay then.”

* * *

Alyssa goes to the counter as Emma gets things on the stage set up for her. “Hey, Angie?”

“Yeah, kiddo, what’s up?” Angie leans on the bar across from her.

“I had a question for you.” She glances at Emma, heading back to sit at their table right near the stage. “Just something I’d like to know before I sing.”

Angie follows her gaze, then grins. “What would you like to know?”

* * *

She hopes she gets a song that will allow her to do what she wants to do, and when the title appears on the screen, she can’t help the grin that forms on her face.

It’s a little too far, but it will still allow her to get Emma back for…

Being in her dreams?

She’s pretty sure it’s Emma’s fault somehow.

Alyssa sets her hand on top of the microphone and makes direct eye contact with Emma before she starts singing.

_=Lord almighty=_

_=I feel my temperature rising=_

_=Higher and higher=_

_=It’s burning through to my soul=_

She pulls off her thin buttoned blouse so that she’s only in a tanktop, leaving her shirt on top of a nearby stool.

_=Baby, baby, baby=_

_=You’re gonna set me on fire=_

_=My brain is flaming=_

_=And I don’t know which way to go=_

She keeps singing, letting the beat of the song move through her body, keeping eye contact with Emma, watching the other woman go a bit pale.

Emma shifts her chair a bit, away from the table, angled towards the stage. She rubs the back of her neck before folding her arms across her chest and crossing one leg over the other.

Alyssa winks at her and watches her swallow and, without realizing it, finish off Alyssa’s cocktail. Alyssa glances at Angie, who nods, and she takes her microphone and jumps off the stage, walking towards Emma.

_=Nothing can cool me=_

_=I just might just turn to smoke=_

_=But I feel fine=_

Alyssa pushes the leg that Emma has propped up on her knee, knocking it back onto the floor. She leans against Emma’s legs and uses her free hand to tilt Emma’s chin up.

_=Cause your kisses lift me higher=_

_=Like a sweet song of a choir=_

_=You light my morning sky=_

_=With burning love=_

Emma takes in a breath, eyes wide, unsure of what’s happening. Alyssa smirks at her, and it suddenly seems to click.

If Emma is going to screw with her, Alyssa was going to get her back for it eventually.

Alyssa grabs the collar of Emma’s flannel and drags her to her feet, turning her and backing her towards the stage.

_=It’s coming closer=_

_=The flames are now licking my body=_

She doesn’t miss the way Emma glances down at the rest of her body, and she pats Emma’s cheek to regain her attention.

Emma laughs, and Alyssa grins, and while she knows it’s just a game she can’t help but notice how right it all feels.

* * *

“And when does it end?” Alyssa demands.

“When every asshole is dead,” Emma replies.

Alyssa shoves her away, off-balance, letting out a loud noise of frustration.

_=Fine! We’re damaged=_

_=Really damaged=_

_=But that does not make us wise!=_

Emma walks to the other side of the stage, not looking at her.

_=We’re not special…=_

_=We’re not different=_

_=We don’t choose who lives or dies=_

Alyssa takes a small step towards her.

_=Let’s be normal=_

_=See bad movies=_

_=Sneak a beer and watch TV=_

_=We’ll bake brownies=_

_=We’ll go bowling=_

_=Don’t you want a life with me?=_

Emma turns around slowly, her expression blank. She doesn’t close the gap between them, but she watches Alyssa far calmer than she previously was. Alyssa swallows, desperation in her voice.

_=Can’t we be seventeen?=_

_=That’s all I want to do=_

_=If you could let me in=_

_=I could be good with you=_

_=People hurt us=_

Emma takes a small step forward.

_#Or they vanish#_

_=And you’re right=_

_=That really blows=_

_=But we let go=_

_#Take a deep breath#_

_=Then go buy some summer clothes=_

_=We’ll go camping=_

_#Play some poker#_

_=And we’ll eat some chili fries=_

Alyssa holds out her hand.

_=Maybe prom night=_

_#Maybe dancing#_

Emma closes the gap completely and takes her hand.

_=Don’t stop looking in my eyes=_

_#Your eyes#_

_=#Can’t we be seventeen?#=_

_=#Is that so hard to do?#=_

_=#If you could let me in#=_

_=#I could be good with you#=_

_=#Let us be seventeen#=_

_=#If we’ve still got the right#=_

Alyssa reaches up and sets the palm of her hand against Emma’s cheek.

_=So what’s it gonna be?=_

_=I wanna be with you=_

_#I wanna#_

_=#Be with you tonight_#=

They lean into a kiss, both of Alyssa’s hands cupping Emma’s head, her thumbs stroking her cheeks. Emma’s hands are on her hips, holding her close as she kisses her back, soft but deep. When they separate, they stay close, their foreheads resting together.

_=Yeah, we’re damaged=_

_#Badly damaged#_

_=#But your love’s too good to lose#=_

_=Hold me tighter=_

Emma slides her hands around to the small of Alyssa’s back, pulling their hips even closer together.

_#Even closer#_

_=I’ll stay if I’m what you choose=_

_#Can’t we be seventeen…#_

_=If I am what you choose…=_

_#If we’ve still got the right…#_

_=Cause you’re the one I choose=_

_#You’re the one I choose#_

_=#You’re the one I choose#=_

They kiss again, this time more firmly, Emma’s hand sliding up to cup Alyssa’s jaw.

* * *

The kiss lingers well after it’s supposed to.

Alyssa feels something hit the back of her head, and it startles her, snapping her out of whatever trance the kiss put her in. She jerks away from Emma, shoving her unceremoniously, and turns around. “Huh?”

Kaylee is standing just off stage, her arms crossed. She just raises an eyebrow at her.

“Oh.” Alyssa frowns. “Shut up.”

Kevin, next to Kaylee, squints in confusion. “She didn’t say anything.”

“Is girl talk, Kev, it’s silent,” Kaylee says, patting him on the shoulder.

“That’s a thing?”

Emma rubs at her lips, a little dazed. “I wish.”

* * *

Alyssa walks around on campus at night, trying to clear her thoughts.

She’s confused, and her feelings are all over the place, and everything about this show is only getting more complicated.

When she finally looks up and notices where she is, she realizes that she’s standing in front of Emma’s dorm.

She breathes for a moment, arguing with herself, then wanders around to where she knows Emma’s room is.

Her window on the first floor is open, music coming softly through it.

_+Hey look ma, I made it+_

_+Everything’s comin up aces, aces+_

_+If it’s a dream, don’t wake me+_

Alyssa swallows and knocks on the window.

After a moment, Emma walks over and opens it further, then slides the screen up. “Alyssa? What are you doing?”

“I want to talk to you.”

“I have a door, you know,” Emma says with a laugh, holding out her hand to help Alyssa in through the window.

“Yeah, but I’m not… I wasn’t really intending to visit, I just… I was out for a walk and then I was here, and…”

“Hey.” Emma sets a hand on Alyssa’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Alyssa takes in a deep breath. “Hopefully, I will be.”

“What do you-”

The words are cut off as Alyssa surges forward, kissing Emma hard. She grips Emma by the collar of her soft black and white flannel and steers her towards the bed, knocking her backwards onto it and getting on top of her.

When the kiss breaks, Alyssa leans back on her heels and runs a hand through her hair. Emma stares up at her, breathless, looking a little shocked.

“I thought you didn’t want to do this.”

“I thought I didn’t want to, either, but I’m realizing that it’s only making it worse. Is that a problem for you?”

“No, but I do have to point out how weirdly appropriate this is.” Emma squints at her and smirks. “Are you sure you aren’t just trying to rehearse, Greene?”

Alyssa takes her shirt off and tosses it onto the floor. “Do you want to make jokes or do you want to shut up and have sex?”

Emma grins up at her, the look in her eyes making Alyssa shiver. “Please. I’m a narcissist, not an idiot.”

“You’re _seriously_ going to- _mmph!”_ Alyssa lets out a squeak of surprise as Emma flips them and kisses her.

“I’m going to compromise,” Emma murmurs. “Make jokes _and_ have sex.”

“I hate you,” Alyssa groans.

Emma smiles at her. “You don’t.”

Alyssa swallows, unsure if the twisting feelings in her chest are from Emma being on top of her or from the soft look in Emma’s eyes. Instead of replying, she reaches up, threads her fingers in Emma’s hair, and kisses her.


	8. don't give up on me now

The sun wakes Alyssa early, and she grumbles in complaint, curling against Emma’s collarbone.

Emma mumbles nonsense under her breath, sleepily, and puts an arm around her waist.

The movement makes everything suddenly sink in. Alyssa sits up and leans down to pick up whatever clothing of hers she can reach on the floor.

“Mm. What’s wrong?” Emma asks, her voice low and thick with gravel.

“I have to go.”

Emma sits up and runs a hand through her hair, trying to blink the sleep out of her eyes. She picks up her glasses from the nightstand and puts them on. “It’s Saturday.”

“I know, but I have to go.” Alyssa slides her jeans on.

“Why?”

Alyssa swallows. “I-I just… It’s just the right call.”

Emma frowns and tilts her head to the side. “Alyssa…”

She sets a finger over Emma’s lips. “Shh. Please.” She takes Emma’s jaw in her hand and gives her a soft kiss. “Please don’t make me do this right now.”

Alyssa gets out of the bed and grabs her shirt, pulling it back on.

She tries not to think about the lost look on Emma’s face as she heads out the door.

* * *

“Just… make sure that you’re aware of what this show is about before you come see it, Mom,” Alyssa says with a wince as she lies on her bed, her phone to her ear.

_“It’s some eighties comedy, isn’t it?”_

“Well… yes, but it’s sort of a… dark comedy? I think I’d describe it as almost a parody of all of those eighties rom-coms. Basically it’s about a girl who becomes one of the popular girls and falls for the school bad boy – girl in this case – and then the teen lovers end up killing off popular kids and staging them as suicides.”

_“Oh,”_ Mrs. Greene says slowly. _“That certainly sounds… interesting.”_

“It’s good, and it’s been a lot of fun to work on, it just. Y’know. Can be a little. Difficult to explain.”

_“I can see why.”_ Mrs. Greene clears her throat. _“Regardless, I’m sure you’ll be amazing, sweetheart. I’ll be there.”_

“G-Good. Uhm. Can’t wait.” Alyssa swallows. “Love you.”

_“Love you too.”_

Once Alyssa hangs up, she sets her phone down on her bed, then runs her hands over her face.

If she knows anything at all, it’s that she’s definitely not going to be able to look her mother in the eye after she sees ‘Dead Girl Walking’.

* * *

Alyssa stands just offstage to emulate hiding inside the closet as Emma stalks around her room. She knows it’s all acting, but the crazed look in Emma’s eyes still terrifies her.

It doesn’t help that the words of the song are hitting her straight in her heart.

_#I was meant to be yours!#_

_#We were meant to be one!#_

_#I can’t make it alone!#_

_#Finish what we’ve begun!#_

_#You were meant to be mine!#_

_#I am all that you need!#_

_#You carved open my heart!#_

_#Can’t just leave me to bleed!#_

She takes the prop gun out of the pocket of her leather jacket. When they’re in costume, it will be in the pocket of her trench coat. For now, it’s just what works.

Emma walks up to the door that’s set up to represent the door to the closet, separating two-thirds of the stage from the side that Alyssa is standing on.

_#Veronica!#_

_#Open the, open the door please#_

_#Veronica, open the door#_

_#Veronica!#_

_#Can we not fight anymore please#_

_#Can we not fight anymore#_

_#Veronica#_

_#Sure, you’re scared, I’ve been there#_

_#I can set you free!#_

_#Veronica#_

_#Don’t make me come in there#_

_#I’m gonna count to three!#_

Emma pauses and takes a breath, her hands shaking.

_#One!#_

_#Two!#_

_#Fuck it!#_

During the show and the rehearsals with full lighting, the lights will drop out at this moment, allowing Alyssa to walk back on stage unseen at the exact moment that Emma kicks the door open. For now, she just walks out on the fully lit stage.

They also have a setup for the fake bedsheet noose, but during this rehearsal they aren’t using it yet, so instead she just lets her head rest limp to get the basic idea.

Because of it, she can’t see the look on Emma’s face when she starts to get through the rest of her lines, her voice cracked and almost broken.

_“’Oh… God… No… Veronica…’”_

_#Please… Don’t…#_

_#Leave me alone#_

_#You… were…#_

_#All I could trust#_

_#I can’t do this alone#_

_#Still, I will if I must!#_

Offstage, Jess, who’s playing both Ms. Fleming and Veronica’s mother, calls out _“’Veronica! I made you a snack. Veronica?’”_

Emma pauses, then rushes off the stage.

* * *

Alyssa glances up at Kaylee as she packs up her bag at the end of rehearsal. “Hey, have you seen Emma? She just like… left. After ‘Meant to Be Yours’.”

Kaylee gives her a long look. “Yeah, she didn’t seem to be having a great time. She said she needed a minute and then didn’t come back. Shelby went after her.”

Alyssa frowns. “Is she okay?”

“I don’t know,” Kaylee says slowly. “Maybe you should find out for yourself.”

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re disappointed in me.”

Kaylee sighs. “Lys, Emma has been staring at you like a kicked puppy ever since the ‘Seventeen’ rehearsal. I doubt that started for no reason. Do you want to tell me what happened between you two?”

“Nothing happened,” Alyssa says quickly.

“Alyssa,” Kaylee says, her voice soft.

“It’s nothing, Kaylee. Don’t make a big deal out of it. We’re fine.” Alyssa puts her backpack over her shoulders. “We’re _fine.”_

* * *

When Alyssa tries to go to The Broadway, Shelby intercepts her outside of the building.

“Hey,” Alyssa says, confused. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t think it’s a good day for you to be here, Alyssa,” Shelby says, her voice soft.

“What? Why?”

“I just…” Shelby glances over her shoulder. “I think Emma needs a little bit of space, okay? Just for a little while. Just outside of rehearsals, at least for right now.”

Alyssa puts her hands into her pockets. “Shelby, I don’t know what Kaylee told you, but Emma and I are-”

“This has nothing to do with Kaylee.” Shelby rubs the back of her neck and sighs. “Alyssa. I don’t know how to say this, because I know you’re not going to hear it. But you’re breaking Emma’s heart.”

It feels like someone took a sledgehammer to the side of Alyssa’s head. “I… What?”

Shelby’s voice is hard, but her eyes are sympathetic. “You’re breaking her heart, Alyssa. She might not look it, but she’s a lot softer than you might think. She’ll deny it, and she’ll follow you for as long as you let her, but you’re breaking her heart more and more the longer you do this to her.”

Alyssa swallows, surprised by how much she feels like crying. “I’m… I’m not… It’s not what you think, Shelby.”

“Maybe it’s not. But she’s my best friend, and I’ve never seen her struggle with her emotions after a song before today.” Shelby pauses, waiting as the words settle through Alyssa. “I think you need to take some time to think about that.”

She turns and walks back into The Broadway, leaving Alyssa standing alone outside.


	9. do you need a release

_“’Step away from the bomb.’”_ Alyssa stands in the boiler room set holding a croquet mallet, watching Emma turn on the timer for the prop bomb before she turns around to face her.

Emma chuckles softly. _“’This little thing? I’d hardly call it a bomb. This is to trigger the packs of thermals upstairs in the gym. Now those are bombs.’”_ She pulls out the gun, but she doesn’t aim it at Alyssa like she’s supposed to. _“’People are going to look at the ashes of Westerberg and say ‘There’s a school that self-destructed not because society didn’t care, but because that school WAS society.’ You know, the only place Heathers and Martins can truly get along is in heaven!’”_

Alyssa swallows and shakes her head slowly. She takes a small step closer, stopping only when Emma tightens her grip on the gun and almost raises it.

_=I wish your mom had been a little stronger=_

_=I wish she’d stayed around a little longer=_

_=I wish your dad were good=_

_=I wish grownups understood=_

_=I wish we’d met before=_

_=They convinced you life is war=_

_=I wish you’d come with me…=_

Emma surges a few steps forward, looking furious as she snarls her line.

_#I wish I had more TNT!#_

She’s close enough that Alyssa can swing the mallet at her hand, soft enough that it doesn’t actually hurt her. It’s not meant to knock the gun out of her hand and it doesn’t.

_“’Jesus!’”_ Emma yells.

Her free hand grabs the mallet and tries to pull it from Alyssa’s grip at the same time that one of Alyssa’s hand grabs the wrist of Emma’s gun hand. They’re close together, Alyssa’s back turned towards where the audience will be, going through the fight choreography as the ensemble sings the next verse.

They’re close enough that Alyssa can see a faint glint in Emma’s eyes, the same look she had when Alyssa decided to walk out of her room.

The sound effect of the gunshot startles them both, and when they stumble apart, it’s only partially acting.

_“’Was it good for you?’”_ Emma asks softly, her hand going down to a bullet wound that will be set up only for dress rehearsals and performances. _“’Kinda sucked for me.’”_

* * *

They take a short break before they move on rehearse ‘I Am Damaged’, and Alyssa sits on the edge of the stage, drinking from a bottle of water and staring blankly out at the seats.

Kaylee sits down next to her. “Kind of an intense scene, huh?”

“Yeah, it kind of sucks to fake-shoot a woman I’ve had sex with twice.” Alyssa leans on her knees fidgeting with her water bottle.

“…Twice?”

Alyssa just nods.

“Oh, Alyssa,” Kaylee sighs. She shakes her head slowly. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”

“I don’t know,” Alyssa whispers.

“You don’t know, or you don’t want to admit it?”

Alyssa swallows and doesn’t answer.

Kaylee sighs again. “You’re going to have to figure it out, Greene. If you don’t, it’s going to tear you apart.”

“It might be too late for that,” Alyssa mumbles.

* * *

Alyssa holds the prop bomb, Emma standing not too far away from her, bent a bit with gritted teeth to indicate the injury.

_#I am damaged#_

_#Far too damaged#_

_#But you’re not beyond repair#_

_#Stick around here#_

_#Make things better#_

_#Cause you beat me fair and square#_

She takes the bomb from Alyssa, gently, her eyes soft as their gazes meet. Alyssa does nothing to stop her.

_#Please stand back now#_

Alyssa, limping to show injuries of her own from their fight, steps a few feet back. Emma almost smiles.

_#Little further#_

Alyssa backs up more, until there’s a good distance between them, almost the full stage.

_#Don’t know what this thing will do#_

_#Hope you miss me#_

_#Wish you’d kiss me#_

_#Then you’d know I worship you#_

Alyssa feels it in her chest, pain that she wants to say is just from the scene even though she knows it isn’t.

_#I’ll trade my life for yours#_

_=Oh my God…=_

_#And once I disappear#_

_=Wait, hold on…=_

_#Clean up the mess down here#_

_=Not this way…=_

Alyssa zones out as Emma goes to finish the song, the beeping of the bomb get faster as the music gets louder.

Her voice is choked as she whispers instead of sings her line. _“’Say hi to God.’”_

Alyssa flinches badly as the explosion sound effect goes off, and she turns and walks off of the stage.

* * *

Emma looks confused when she opens her door to find Alyssa. “…Hi.”

“Hi.” Alyssa raises her hands in front of her. “I… I just want to talk.”

“I’m not worried about that, Alyssa,” Emma says softly. She steps back a bit, letting Alyssa into her room.

_+Do you need a release?+_

_+Do you wanna be free?+_

_+Do you wanna be free?+_

_+Do you wanna be free?+_

_+Do you wanna be+_

_+Can I get a little peace of mind?+_

Emma turns off the music playing from her phone and sits down on her bed, watching Alyssa pace in front of her. “Alyssa. What do you need?”

“I couldn’t take it,” Alyssa says suddenly.

She blinks at her, baffled. “Couldn’t take what?”

“I can’t… I didn’t think any of this through. I don’t know how I’m supposed to cope with watching you die on stage over and over again. With watching you sacrifice yourself for me.”

“It’s just a play, Alyssa,” Emma says gently. She lets out a soft laugh. “I say, as if watching you fake a suicide didn’t freak me out.”

“That’s what upset you the other day?” Alyssa asks, her voice quiet.

“Yeah.” Emma shrugs, and she looks down, playing with her watch. “It’s stupid. We’re acting.”

“We are. But it’s… It’s hard to do that when I’m being a complete moron.” Alyssa rubs at her mouth, holding back tears. “I can’t do this, Emma. I-I… I thought I could, but I can’t.”

Emma still doesn’t look up at her. “Do what?”

“Pretend.” Alyssa walks forward and takes Emma’s head in her hands, lifting her chin and kissing her firmly.

When it breaks, Emma blinks at her, and Alyssa’s hands tremble when she sees the caution in her eyes. “Please,” Emma whispers. “Please don’t kiss me unless you mean it, Alyssa. I don’t think I can take it.”

“I promise you that I won’t kiss you again unless I mean it. I promise.” Alyssa hooks her fingers under Emma’s jaw. “We need to talk. Can we go get dinner?”

Emma nods, looking a little confused again.

“Emma,” Alyssa whispers, resting their foreheads together. “I need you to understand what I’m saying.”

“Do _you_ understand what you’re saying?”

Alyssa laughs. “Honestly? Who knows. But I do know what I’m doing.”

“What are you-”

Alyssa interrupts her by kissing her.


	10. let's make this beautiful

Alyssa briefly loses herself in the feeling of Emma’s hands gently playing with hers on the table between them as they sit in a diner booth waiting for their food.

“I haven’t been fair to you,” she whispers. “I’m so sorry, Emma. I haven’t been fair to you at all.”

“It’s okay,” Emma murmurs.

“No. It’s not.” Alyssa brushes her thumb against the back of Emma’s hand. “I… My mother has always expected a lot from me. She loves me, and I know that, but she wants me to be the best at anything I do. She wasn’t entirely thrilled when I told her I wanted one of my extracurriculars to be theater, but she supported me anyway. Thing was, I never got the lead.”

Emma nods. “You said this was your first.”

“Yeah. And I’m fine with that, but… when you need to be _the best,_ it doesn’t work out.” Alyssa gives a small laugh. “And it does nothing to repair those feelings when you start crushing on the hot girl who’s talented at everything and is cocky because she knows it.”

“I only let myself be this confident because for so much of my life I wasn’t allowed to be,” Emma admits, her voice soft as she continues fidgeting with Alyssa’s hands. “I wasn’t allowed to be who I am, because if I so much as _breathed_ in a way that wasn’t acceptable to my parents, it… it was ugly. The kids in my school weren’t much better. When my parents threw me out, it was honestly the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me, even if it didn’t feel like it at the time. My grandmother let me be who I am, and she let me come to school here, where for the most part everyone else does the same. I feel like I can be a bit cocky because I feel like I belong and I feel like I’m finally succeeding at something.” She smirks. “And because I like the way it makes you flustered.”

“Shut up,” Alyssa mumbles. She looks down, her fingers interlocking with Emma’s. “Your parents threw you out?”

“Yeah. As soon as they found out I’m gay.”

“I’m sorry.” Alyssa swallows and lets out a choked laugh, one hand pulling away just long enough to rub at her eyes. “Here I am making a sob story out of a mother who loves me but wants me to do well, and you’re-”

“Don’t,” Emma interrupts. She reaches up with the hand Alyssa let go, brushing her thumb against Alyssa’s cheek. “Don’t do that. What you’re feeling matters regardless of how the dramatics of our experiences compare.”

“You’re so good,” Alyssa whispers. “You’re so good, and so kind, and so soft. And I was too stupid to see it. How didn’t I see it?”

“I don’t know if I’m all that,” Emma replies with a bashful grin. “But if you missed anything about me I think it’s just because you wouldn’t let yourself see it. It’s hard to, I think. I tried pretty hard not to look at you the way I wanted to, too.”

“You did?”

Emma nods. “Alyssa,” she says, her voice so soft and so genuine that Alyssa already knows that whatever it is might kill her. “I’ve been pretty much in love with you since I saw you do ‘Burn’ at that fundraising concert the theater group did.”

Alyssa blinks and pulls back a bit out of surprise. “That was sophomore year.”

Emma shrugs and looks away. “Yeah, well. I didn’t think you liked me until you kissed me at that party last semester, in my defense.” She starts fidgeting with her watch again, embarrassed. “Sorry. I kind of killed the mood, huh.”

She shakes her head slowly. “Emma.”

“Yeah?”

“Once we’re finished dinner, if it’s okay with you, I’m taking you back to your room and we’re sleeping together.”

Emma looks up quickly, startled. “Uh. Okay.” She pauses, swallowing, and watches Alyssa’s hand reach across the table to take hers again. “We could always go now.”

“Oh no you don’t,” Alyssa scolds with a laugh. “I promised myself that this was going to be a real date like we’re adults, and you don’t get to distract me with how badly I want you in bed.”

“…A date?”

Alyssa’s eyes widen. “Uhm. I mean. Uh. If. I. It’s not exactly. I mean. The conversation isn’t exactly. Uhm.”

Emma laughs and lifts Alyssa’s hand, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. “Lys. Relax. I think we’re on pretty equal terms there.” The look she gives Alyssa is so full of heat that it makes Alyssa shudder. “And for the record? I think your plan is a pretty good one.”

Alyssa swallows. “Yours is pretty tempting, I have to admit.”

“What type of person would I be if I let you break your promise to yourself?”

She picks up her glass of water and drinks more of it than she was expecting. “Kind,” she rasps.

“I don’t think I’m _that_ kind, Greene. Sorry.”

Alyssa gives a quiet sigh. “I regret so much.”

Emma smirks at her. “No. You don’t.”

* * *

“Don’t be a dick,” Alyssa laughs as Emma pours thin blue liquid into a glass. “That stuff will kill her.”

“Thus, ending her hangover!” Emma grins and tosses the newly emptied bottle of drain cleaner into the sink. “I say we go with big blue.”

“You can’t just go-” Alyssa glances over her shoulder, in the direction of the couch where Kaylee’s almost passed out. “She’d never drink something that looks like that.”

Emma frowns. “You’re right.” She picks a different vessel out of the drying rack. “We’ll use a mug. That way, she’ll have no idea what she’s drinking.” She pours the drain cleaner from the glass into the mug and gets closer to Alyssa. “What? Are you chicken?”

Alyssa takes a step back, flustered. “You’re not funny.”

The smile falters, just a little, and Emma sets the mug down. “Okay. Okay, okay.” She steps forward again, running her hands down Alyssa’s arms. “I’m sorry.”

She leans forward to kiss Alyssa.

And she pauses.

Alyssa reaches up, putting her hand on the back of Emma’s neck, and pulls her in to finish the kiss.

* * *

“What was the pause about?” Alyssa asks, walking side by side with Emma as they leave the dress rehearsal.

“I don’t know. I think my brain just got a little mangled over the idea of kissing you on stage when we’re…” Emma blushes and shrugs. “You know.” She puts her hands in her pocket. “It’s _really_ stupid since we already did ‘Dead Girl Walking’ at that point, but I think the simplicity of it actually made it harder. I’m over it. I promise.”

Alyssa leans on her. “There’s nothing to be nervous about. We’re fine, right? We’ll get through it.”

“Yeah. Like I said, I think I just got a little bit in my own head.” Emma squints at her. “You make me think about a lot of things, and they aren’t always what I’m supposed to be thinking about on the stage.”

“I would imagine that the… uh… _accident_ during ‘Dead Girl Walking’ didn’t help your concentration.”

“Oh, you mean when you pushed down and my hand hit your-”

Alyssa reaches up and covers her mouth. “We don’t need to talk about it. We really don’t.”

Emma lowers her hand and laughs. They lace their hands together casually as they keep walking, but they mutually pull apart as Shelby and Kaylee join them, Shelby on Emma’s side and Kaylee on Alyssa’s.

“So,” Kaylee says, a smirk on her face that Alyssa doesn’t like the look of. “That was quite the rehearsal, don’t you think?”

“It was fine,” Emma says, her tone as wary as Alyssa feels.

“’Dead Girl Walking’ was particularly interesting,” Shelby says, just a little bit gleeful. “Having seen that rehearsal, Nolan, I have to say, that hip action? Now I get why having sex with you once made Greene completely lose her common sense.”

Emma stares blankly at her. “I think I might kill you one day.”

Shelby grins. “That’s taking method acting a little too far.”

“There’s something _different _between them, don’t you think, Shelby?” Kaylee prompts. “The awkwardness is almost all gone! It’s like a miracle!”

“Almost like one of them finally got a fucking braincell, but that can’t _possibly_ be it,” Shelby says.

Emma sighs, annoyed. “Don’t you two have anything better to do?”

“No,” Kaylee and Shelby say in unison.

“Shelby,” Alyssa says innocently, “I can really only tell you one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Emma’s acting doesn’t do the real thing _any_ justice.”

Emma stops walking as Shelby and Kaylee both almost trip. “Why,” she whispers.

Alyssa reaches up and pats her on the cheek. “There’s just… so much… I need to get you back for.”

“This is a dangerous game, Greene,” Emma warns.

“Yeah?” Alyssa says, her voice thick with challenge. “What are you going to do about it?”

Emma leans in, her face barely an inch from Alyssa’s. “Are you sure you want to find out?”

“Ugh,” Kaylee groans. “I don’t want to watch this.”

Shelby takes her hand and starts pulling her down the hall, continuing out of the building. “Neither do I.”

“Good. Go away,” Alyssa says, not breaking eye contact with Emma.

“We scared them off if that was the point,” Emma mumbles.

“Oh,” Alyssa says with a laugh, reaching up and grabbing Emma by the collar of her jacket. “It wasn’t.”

* * *

Emma steps up onto the platform on the stage, her trench coat and boots gone, leaving her in a black t-shirt, dark jeans, and socks. She gives Alyssa the smallest of smirks, just enough to send a pulse of heat through her, then she sits down and starts pretending to read from the book that’s her prop.

Alyssa stands in front of the platform and faces the audience as she starts ‘Dead Girl Walking’ proper.

_=The demon queen of high school has decreed it:=_

_=She says Monday 8 a.m. I will be deleted=_

_=They’ll hunt me down in study hall=_

_=Stuff and mount me on the wall=_

_=Thirty hours to live – how shall I spend them?=_

She walks along the stage, still facing the audience, a bit closer to the steps that are her way up to the platform.

_=I don’t have to stay and die like cattle=_

_=I could change my name and ride up to Seattle=_

_=But I don’t own a motorbike – wait=_

She looks up and notices Emma, who’s now hiding a smirk behind the book.

_=Here’s an option that I like:=_

_=Spend those thirty hours gettin’ frea-kay!=_

_=Yeah!=_

She steps up onto the bottom step.

_=I need it hard=_

_=I’m a dead girl walkin=_

_=I’m in your yard=_

_=I’m a dead girl walkin!=_

She climbs up to the top step.

_=Before they punch my clock=_

_=I’m snapping off your window lock=_

_=Got no time to knock=_

_=I’m a dead girl walkin!=_

She pretends to slide up a window and steps onto the platform. Emma sets the book aside and stands up, surprised. _“’Veronica? What are you doing in my room?’”_

Alyssa walks towards her until they’re face to face.

_=Had to see you, hope I didn’t wake you=_

_=See, I decided I must ride you ‘til I break you=_

_=Cause Heather says I gots to go=_

_=You’re my last meal on death row=_

_=Shut your mouth, rip off my clothes and take me!=_

Emma stares, hesitant, and Alyssa unbuttons her blazer with a dramatic flair. _“’Come on!’”_

_=Tonight I’m yours=_

_=I’m your dead girl walkin!=_

She pushes Emma down by her shoulders, shoving her onto her knees in front of her. Emma’s hands go to her thighs, just slightly up under her skirt, and Alyssa has to force out her next line.

_=Get on all fours=_

_=Kiss this dead girl walkin!=_

_=Let’s go you know the drill…=_

_=I’m hot and pissed and know you will=_

Emma shoots a small ‘well, she’s right’ look at the audience that’s interrupted when Alyssa grabs her face and gets eye contact for the next line.

_=Bow down to the will of a dead girl walkin!=_

She watches Emma visibly swallow as she moves Emma’s hands away and kneels across from her.

_=And you know, you know, you know=_

_=It’s cause you’re beautiful=_

_=You say you’re numb inside…=_

_=But I can’t agree=_

_=So the world’s unfair…=_

_=Keep it locked out there=_

_=In here it’s beautiful…=_

_=Let’s make this beautiful!=_

Emma grins, even more cockily than she has in rehearsals, and lets out a quiet laugh. _“’That works for me.’”_

They kiss, hot and heated, and Alyssa pushes forward so she’s straddling Emma as she tugs off the blue blazer and tosses it aside. She pulls Emma’s t-shirt off so she’s only in a sports bra, then feels Emma yank open the snap buttons of her white button-down so Alyssa’s bra is visible. Alyssa pushes Emma down onto her back, kissing down her sternum as Emma’s hands wander roughly down her back before settling on her hips.

Alyssa pulls back when she hears Emma’s breath hitch, fully aware that both of them are afraid of making this a little _too_ believable. She pauses briefly, distracted by dark heat in Emma’s eyes, then swallows and continues the song.

_=Yeah! Full steam ahead!=_

_=Take this dead girl walkin!=_

Emma sits up, Alyssa still in her lap, supporting herself with the hand that’s farthest from the audience.

_#How’d you find my address?#_

_=Let’s break the bed!=_

_=Rock this dead girl walkin!=_

_#I think you tore my mattress!#_

Alyssa puts a finger over Emma’s lips.

_=No sleep tonight for you=_

_=Better chug that Mountain Dew=_

Emma swallows. _“’Okay, okay.”_

_=Get your ass in gear=_

_=Make this whole town disappear=_

Emma grins. _“’Okay! Okay!’”_

Alyssa slaps her – an actual stage slap this time – and Emma sets the hand that she isn’t using to support herself on the inside of Alyssa’s thigh, just underneath her skirt.

_=Slap me! Pull my hair=_

Emma sits up a bit further, bringing her other hand around to thread in Alyssa’s hair and pull her neck back so she can kiss her throat.

_=Touch me=_

_=There and there and there=_

_=But no more talking!=_

_=Love this dead girl walkin!=_

She feels Emma laugh against her as they both do their best to try to ignore the hip movements through the final words of the song.

Alyssa grips the back of Emma’s neck to have something to focus on to keep her voice from breaking.

* * *

Alyssa walks out of the theater, running a hand through her hair and sighing with exhaustion. She has her head down, turning her phone back on as she heads for the spot where she’s planning to meet Emma, but she stops in her tracks as she hears conversation.

“You did well tonight Miss…?”

“Nolan. Emma Nolan.”

“Have you not gotten a chance to change out of costume yet? I apologize; I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

“Uh… I wear this all the time?”

“…Oh. I see.”

Her phone lights up with several missed messages as Alyssa looks up, paling.

To see her mother frowning as she talks to a bewildered Emma.


	11. see where it can take us

“Hey!” Alyssa jogs up to Emma and Mrs. Greene, stopping the conversation between them. “Hi!” She puts an arm around Emma’s shoulders before she can try to kiss her and grins at Mrs. Greene. “Mom, I see you’ve met my co-star, Emma.”

Emma goes pale and holds her hand out. “Uh. Mrs. Greene. Pleasure to meet you.”

Mrs. Greene shakes her hand a bit too firmly, her smile thin. “Mutual, Miss Nolan.”

“I-I didn’t know you’d be here tonight, Mom. I thought you were coming to the last show.”

“Something came up, and I had to change my plans.” Mrs. Greene doesn’t take her eyes off of Emma as she speaks to Alyssa. “I texted you and tried to call you.”

“Yeah, uh, I turn my phone off while I’m getting ready and then through the show. I’m sorry.” Alyssa lowers her arm from Emma’s shoulders and clears her throat. “Uhm. Why don’t we go get some dinner?”

Mrs. Greene nods. “That would be nice.”

Alyssa looks at Emma, her eyes pleading. “You could come with us?”

Emma swallows, giving Mrs. Greene a nervous look. “Only… uh, only if you want me to? I don’t want to interrupt your time with your mother.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine,” Mrs. Greene says, still smiling in a weird way that scares Alyssa. “You’re more than welcome to join us.” She adjusts her purse on her shoulder. “Do you have a place in mind?”

“Yes,” Alyssa says quickly. “I’ll text you the address and you can meet us there?”

Mrs. Greene glances between her and Emma. “Of course.” She reaches out and gently strokes Alyssa’s cheek. “You did a really good job, sweetheart.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

She walks away, leaving them there. As soon as she’s far enough away, Emma lets out a soft whimper. “Your mother watched us do _that?”_

“I’m so sorry,” Alyssa groans. “I didn’t want to tell you she was coming until it was the performance she was going to be at, because I didn’t want you to be thinking about it.”

Emma fidgets with her watch. “Babe, I appreciate that, but it’s not going to save me when your mother murders me.”

Alyssa laughs, not very believably. “She’s not going to kill you.”

“You’re not comforting.”

Alyssa pats her on the shoulder and kisses her lightly. “I know.”

* * *

She’s not sure what possesses her to take her mother to The Broadway, but a small part of her thinks it might be to spite her decision to attend a performance she wasn’t prepared for.

Warranted, probably not, but she can’t quite help it.

“Your performance was… rather believable, Miss Nolan,” Mrs. Greene says slowly. “Does your clothing allow you to connect to J.D.?”

Emma clears her throat and takes a sip of her water. “Well, honestly, I wore this before I got the role, but maybe?”

“To be clear, Mom, she’s not anything like J.D. They have nothing in common other than a fondness for dark clothing.”

Mrs. Greene looks at Alyssa and smirks. _“Nothing?”_

Emma clears her throat again. “Your daughter is a very talented woman, ma’am,” she says quietly. “I’ve been involved in a lot of projects, and I’ve never seen someone as good at a leading role as she is. She’s amazing.”

Alyssa blushes a little and smiles, and the suspicious look in Mrs. Greene’s eyes softens a bit. “She is. She’s always been amazing.”

Something catches Emma’s attention, and Alyssa follows her gaze to see that Angie is having a silent conversation with her across the club.

“Do they need you?” Alyssa asks, setting her hand on top of Emma’s.

“Yeah.” Emma gives Alyssa a guilty look. “I can turn them down if you want me to stay?”

“Go. We’ll be here.”

Emma nods and stands up, heading towards the stage.

“What is she doing?” Mrs. Greene asks, curious.

“She works here. One of the performers.”

Mrs. Greene is silent for a moment, watching Emma take off her jacket and prepare the microphone. “You’ve slept with her, haven’t you?”

Alyssa coughs. _“Mom!”_

“Honey, you’re a fabulous actor, and I had some difficulty actually _watching_ that… one particular scene, but I know you well enough to know that there was more behind that than talent.”

“I… No…”

Mrs. Greene stares at her with a frown. “Don’t lie to me, Alyssa Greene.”

Alyssa fidgets with her glass as the music starts. She looks up at Emma, pausing while she watches her start.

_#Baby let’s stay home tonight#_

_#We can put a couple records on#_

_#We can build a fire alright#_

_#Maybe we can dance till dawn#_

_#Everything will be just fine#_

_#Don’t even have to put clothes on#_

_#I can keep you warm inside#_

_#Baby let’s stay home tonight#_

“I’m in love with her,” she says, her voice quiet.

Mrs. Greene blinks, surprised. She leans in and takes one of Alyssa’s hands. “You’re in love with her?”

Alyssa nods and swallows. “She’s one of the best people I’ve ever met, Mom. I wish I’d gotten you to have a different first impression, because I…” She swallows again and shakes her head. “I’m in love with her.”

Mrs. Greene looks up, watching Emma for a moment. “Does she know?”

“No.”

“Does she love you back?”

“Yeah,” Alyssa whispers.

Mrs. Greene gives a small nod.

_#And I don’t wanna share you#_

_#So why don’t we just slow down#_

_#See where it can take us#_

“I might still have to kill her for where her hands were during that performance, but I’ll be willing to get to know her after that.”

“Mom,” Alyssa says dryly. “You can’t kill my girlfriend.”

Mrs. Greene shrugs. “Even if I can’t, she’s afraid of me already. That’s a positive.”

Alyssa sighs and rubs at her eyes. “Mom. Please.”

“Give me this, Alyssa. I now have a picture in my mind that’s far too close to what you might have actually done with that girl, and I need to have something better to think about.”

Alyssa pales and shudders. “Oh, God. Can we talk about something else?”

Mrs. Greene snorts out a laugh. “Gladly.”


	12. this woman is my destiny

Alyssa stands in the middle of the stage, holding the prop bomb as she lets out a quiet laugh. _“’Dear Diary: The irony here is I never got the chance to write a suicide note.’”_ She turns and watches Emma stumble onto the stage, hand on her side, fake blood visible even on her black shirt as it stains her fingers.

_“’Smart move. Drag the trigger bomb out to the football field, far away from the thermal packs, and nobody dies. Except you, if you keep holding on to that thing.’”_

Alyssa swallows. _“’I killed people. I have to pay for that.’”_

Emma shakes her head. _“’Not you. Me. I destroy things, just like my dad. Never occurred to me to try building anything. But you’re different.’”_ She takes a few steps forward. _“’Go do something with your life.’”_

_“’Stay away!’”_ Alyssa yells, taking a single step back.

_“’Or what?’”_ Emma lifts the hand that isn’t bloody and coughs into it.

_#I am damaged#_

_#Far too damaged#_

_#But you’re not beyond repair#_

_#Stick around here#_

_#Make things better#_

_#Cause you beat me fair and square#_

She takes the bomb from Alyssa.

_#Please stand back now#_

Alyssa, limping, takes a couple steps back. Emma lets out a quiet laugh.

_#Little further#_

She puts real distance between them, until they’re on opposite sides of the stage.

_#Don’t know what this thing will do#_

_#Hope you miss me#_

_#Wish you’d kiss me#_

_#Then you’d know I worship you#_

_#I’ll trade my life for yours#_

_=Oh my God…=_

_#And once I disappear#_

_=Wait, hold on…=_

_#Clean up the mess down here#_

_=Not this way…=_

_#Our love is God#_

_#Our love is God#_

_#Our love is God#_

_#Our love is God#_

The beeping of the timer picks up, louder and louder as the music increases as well. Alyssa and Emma make eye contact, and Alyssa gives a small smile. Emma nods, barely noticeable, and Alyssa sings her line in a whisper.

_=Say hi to God=_

There’s a bright flash along with the sound effect of an explosion, and then the stage goes black. Alyssa stands in the darkness and takes in a soft breath, her hands trembling as she squints through the blackness to watch Emma jog off of the stage before the light returns.

* * *

Alyssa sits on a bench outside of the theater, holding Emma’s hand in her lap, her thumb brushing against the back of Emma’s palm. “It didn’t really get any easier, you know.”

“What didn’t?”

“Acting out the scene of you dying.”

Emma kisses her on the side of the head. “I know,” she says gently. “But it’s all over now. We won’t need to do that scene again, and I don’t plan on replicating it in person.”

Alyssa laughs softly. “You better not.”

“Are you going to the cast party? Kaylee set it up to be at The Broadway.”

“Really? She and Shelby are going to give up their hiding spot?”

“I think they’re ready to stop hiding, yeah.”

Alyssa shrugs. “I’ll go if you do. I like going there. It’s fun.”

Emma nods before she looks away, and Alyssa feels her hand go tense. “Uhm. The show’s over.”

“Yeah,” Alyssa says slowly. “I know. We were just talking about that.”

“Yeah, just.” Emma hesitates. “I didn’t know if you… If you don’t want to keep doing what we’re doing now that the show’s over, I’ll understand. It’s different when we won’t have an excuse to see each other every day.”

Alyssa swallows and pulls her hand away when she starts to tremble. “Is that what you want?” she whispers.

“I want you,” Emma murmurs. She fidgets with her watch, not looking at Alyssa. “But if you don’t want something real beyond this, I can accept that. I’m not going to-”

Alyssa puts her hand on Emma’s jaw and turns her head towards her, kissing her fiercely. “Emma,” she says softly as she rests their foreheads together. “I love you.”

Emma pulls back, surprised. “What?”

“I love you.” She rests her palm against Emma’s cheek. “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get my shit together, and I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with me like this, but please, Em. Please. I want to be with you, show or not. I love you.”

“I-I… I’ve been in love with you this whole time,” Emma stammers. “I’m not going to be so stupid that I say no to that.” She shakes her head, the shock starting to settle out of her eyes. “No. Nope. That’s not the right response to that.”

Alyssa laughs and kisses her again. “I’ll take it.”

Emma cups her jaw in her hands, holding her eye contact. “No. Hold on.” She pauses, taking in a slow breath, then says, “I love you, Alyssa.”

Alyssa grins. “Yeah?” she says, almost shyly.

“Yes. Even though you think I’m a narcis-”

Alyssa puts a hand over her mouth. “If you want _any_ hope of getting sex tonight, don’t even _consider_ finishing that sentence.”

* * *

They’re standing on the stage in The Broadway, both with microphones, jumping around despite how tired they are.

_=#Just keep your eyes on me#=_

_=#I said you’re holding back#=_

_=#She said shut up and dance with me!#=_

_=#This woman is my destiny#=_

_=#She said ooh-ooh-hoo#=_

_=#Shut up and dance with me#=_

_=#Ooh-ooh-hoo shut up and dance with me#=_

_=#Ooh-ooh-hoo shut up and dance with me#=_

As the music fades out, Alyssa practically tackles Emma in a hug, laughing. Emma kisses her on the temple and puts their microphones back on their stands. She takes Alyssa’s hands and leads her off the stage, towards the corner of the club.

Emma leans against the wall and Alyssa leans against her, grinning playfully, reaching up and tucking a strand of hair behind Emma’s ear. “Hi.”

Emma smirks. “Hi.”

“You, me, dark corner of a party.” Alyssa laughs. “This is bringing back some memories.”

“I’ll say. Wanna make out?”

Alyssa turns her head and watches Kaylee and Shelby get up onto the stage. “Would it be rude?”

“They won’t notice. They’ll be too busy singing at each other.”

“True.” Alyssa kisses her quickly. “It wouldn’t have taken much to convince me.”

Emma snickers, a sound that’s cut off when Alyssa kisses her again. Emma’s hands go down to her hips, pulling her in closer, and Alyssa’s hands thread in her hair.

_<<It started out with a kiss>>_

_<<How did it end up like this>>_

_<<It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss>>_

“I feel like I’m being called out by the lyrics now,” Alyssa mumbles against Emma’s lips.

“Just a bit, yeah.” Emma skims her fingers up under Alyssa’s shirt. She smirks and raises an eyebrow. “My dorm isn’t that far, you know.”

Alyssa grins. “Why didn’t you say so?”


End file.
